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HOW TO (NOT) CURE YOUR HANGOVER

07/03/2016

WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE
HANGOVER COMES FOR YOU?!
BY MAX PINGEL

Ohhhh we’ve all been there: „I’m never drinking again!!!“


Stop whining and pitying yourself! More importantly, stop lying to yourself! We all know you’re gonna do it again! Too god damn good feels the rush of stealing the bartender’s bottles in sketchy nightclubs. Too god damn good tastes that shitty 1$ hamburger with extra pickles at six in the morning! And you most certainly wouldn’t have hooked up with that girl last night if you didn’t get her wasted in the first place!


Soooo praise your favorite poison. Just make sure you’re prepared for the hangover that comes with it. Old sport, next time you wake up with a tiger in the bathroom or a Ted-Mosby-butterfly-tramp-stamp on your lower back, there are a few fun facts on how to cure your hangover – or at least on how to smoothly play it off at breakfast with some random wisdom.

"1. DRINK PEAR JUICE BEFORE YOU START YOUR NIGHT"

Recent research has found that drinking pear juice before alcohol reduces the effects of a hangover by 16-21 percent by inhibiting alcohol absorption. Plus, you won't suffer from memory loss as bad. By the way, Russians say pounding a shot of Olive Oil in advance or gulp some pickle juice helps, too.. I'd go with the scientific solution, though.

"2. DRIED. BULL. PENIS."

You heard me! In the past, Sicilians would chew on a good old bull penis to make up for all the gallons of red wine they drank the night before. It was said to restore your virility but maybe your brain just instantly drops your hangover to make your body stop eating dried up penis jerky, as quick as possible!

"3. DON'T BE AFRAID, DRINK POWERADE!"

This one is actually supposed to make sense! The electrolytes in the colorful drinks help your body replenish! It hydrates the dried-out body while the sugar in it gives you carbohydrates for energy! Oh, and for all the hipsters: Try coconut water. Does the same job, with less sugar! You're welcome!

"4. GREASE UP YOUR HANGOVER!"

Your basic instinct to dive head-first into a big bag of burgers might be controversial but can indeed help to reduce your hangover. Bacon, for example has a lot of B vitamins, which act as a catalyst to help get alcohol on the breakdown. Even better: Chow down your burger as preventive medicine! Eating greasy food before drinking helps insulate the stomach, preventing alcohol from being absorbed into the stomach lining and bloodstream! Supersize me!

"5. When life gives you lemons, rub them into your armpit!"

Confused? You must have never been to Puerto Rico! Before a big night out, they rub a slice of lemon into the armpit of their drinking arm! Supposedly, it prevents dehydration! The only question I raise is: Why only your drinking arm? What, if you like to double-fist it!?

"6. TAKE A CHILL PILL"

Obviously, I don't have to tell you about the miracle powers of painkillers. While aspirin may upset your stomach even further though, Ibuprofen is said to be more effective and milder. Most importantly though: Take one or two pills BEFORE you hit the sack and you'll feel less crappy the next morning. It especially helps a lot with inflammation.

"7. IT ONLY HURTS WHEN YOU STOP.."

Might be true but usually everybody's got to stop at some point! Norwegians call it "Hair of the Dog" and claim the best way to cure your hangover is to continue drinking the substance that did the damage in the first place. Minus multiplied with minus equals positive, right? Truth be told, it only postpones your hangover and turns it into an even bigger one, but c'mon guys! Who doesn't like a boozy sunday fun day in the sun, once in a while, ehhhh?